Category: Parenting

Parenting

Momma’s, Beware!

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Last weekend I was with a friend who is a mom to three boys.  They were all attending a birthday party together and the boys were having a great time enjoying the carnival-themed games and food of the party.  There were corn dogs, popcorn, cake pops, nachos and cheese, and of course, birthday cake and ice cream.

The sons were enjoying all their carb-laden treats while their mom, who was going to be running in a race that evening  was eating very lightly because she  and knew better than to indulge in heavy foods before a race. She pulled out her banana that would serve as her lunch, when one of the boys saw her peeling the fruit and asked,

“Can I have part of your banana, Mom?”

Knowing it was all she was going to eat, the rest of us watching sympathized with her and wouldn’t have blamed her if she had denied him, but she rose with a sweet spirit , went to the kitchen and got a knife and sliced off part for her son.

What makes a mom sacrifice in big and little ways for her children?  It’s her mother’s heart.  When you become a mother your heart changes; it becomes mush!  You love your child unlike you ever knew possible.  God makes our soft heart, enabling us to give and give.  Our protective heart fixes problems by finding solutions, and our giving heart suddenly likes the burned toast, the  chicken wing, and the most uncomfortable seat in the living room.

We make sacrifices that other people may not understand.  A career is set aside to raise the child.  Monetary advances are unimportant.  Self-time is on the back burner.  Personal desires are squelched while the children are home.

But there is a danger with our heart – after years of that kind of motherly love, it’s oftentimes hard not to keep responding in the same ways when they grow up.  Though they are adults, when we see them struggling, we have the desire to jump in and provide for them, fix a problem they’re facing, or try to divert a trial in their life.

I have had that desire recently while seeing needs in my girls’ lives.  But before following through on my motherly instinct, the Lord stopped me, reminding me that it’s no longer my place to provide, protect or fix their problems.  How thankful I was to learn later of how they turned to the Lord in their time of need.  This hard time made them desperate for God’s comfort – the Real comfort that could help, provide and fix their problem.  Had I stepped in, they would never have seen what God would do for them.  It was a reminder that I needed!

When they come to visit, I’ll still give them the last piece of pie or my seat on the porch swing, but I’ll not be too quick to jump in to rescue them from the hard times that our wise God has sent to refine them.  God is more than enough – it’s a lesson we both need to learn.

Banana anyone?

When is it the hardest for you to not rescue your adult children?

 

 

Parenting

Why You Shouldn’t Be Your Child’s Buddy

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For those of you that came over to see the marriage matters recap, please check back tomorrow! My bad! 

Working with first and second graders in our church’s Wednesday night ministry is so much fun!  At this age, most children love you simply because you’re spending time with them, and because you’re letting them know they’re important to you.

 

This is true at home, too.  When children are young they adore their parents.  Little girls want to marry their daddy and sons admire their parents like  super-heroes.  But as the years pass, sometimes those warm, fuzzy feelings fade for a while (even years).

It happens when parents begin the tough teaching that comes with being the parents.  Godly  Parents step up and point the child to their sinful heart’s tendencies, their need to be disciplined and the friction can begin. Why?  Because a child wants their own way.  The result is often an attitude and a desire on the child’s part to distance themselves from their parent.  Parents that want to be “liked” by their child will cave in at this point.  But there are dangers in doing so.

Here are three reasons you should never be your young child’s buddy:

  1. It’s not God’s plan.  Someone needs to be the authority, and God has given that responsibility to you.  Anything with no head is dead.  If your home has no one who is the head, your home life will be dead; lacking spiritual life.  God’s plan for authority begins with putting Him first, then the husband, the wife, and the children, and each obeys the authority over them – that’s how He intends for it to be,  and that’s what works!  Why do we think our idea would be better?  How can a child learn to obey God if they don’t have to obey Mom or Dad?  If they learn how to play their parents, they’ll think they can do the same with God’s will.  Our ways are not God’s ways, and your child’s ways are not your ways.  Teach them to come under the umbrella of  authority.
  2. You’re not training your child to leave home. This is also God’s plan.  When you are your child’s buddy, you’re making them dependent on you.  Each year at home should be a training ground for being ready to launch out to do whatever God would direct them to do.  They should be learning the skills necessary to step out and obey the Lord.  Cleaning their room, sorting laundry, washing dishes, loading the dishwasher, ironing their clothes, preparing a simple meal – all these things and more can be learned by the time they are twelve or thirteen.
  3. This is not the season for friendship with your child, but you don’t have to despair!  It can happen that you spend free time as friends, laughing and chatting away the time with your child – but it comes when they’re a young adult, on their own, and living independently of you ( of course you can laugh and have fun while they’re home – just not like you do with friends!). When it happens in that season, you will be so thankful that you waited for this friendship to be born.  It will come with a respect for all that you taught them when they were growing up.  It happens as a result of your example as an adult who was mature enough and loved them enough to discipline them and help them become a responsible, godly adult.

Proverbs 31 has a sweet promise – “She shall rejoice in time to come.”  It will happen in a different season than you are in now.  Your child might not like you at the moment, but that’s okay.  You’re the adult who knows what is down the road – a relationship that will be worth waiting for “in the right time!”

Lovingly,

 

Parenting

Deal With It!

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Recently as I was going through my prayer journal and praying for friends, I prayed for a family with a pre-teen son.  These are kind of hard days at their house.  Attitudes aren’t always what they’d hope they would be (wouldn’t we LOVE it if our children were compliant every single day?!).  I prayed for the child.  I prayed more for his parents.  I asked the Lord to give them strength, encouragement and a continued love for this child and this time in his life, and for endurance for them when his attitude crops up, that they will know how to deal with it.

 

I’m pretty sure there is no family that doesn’t go through some turbulence at one time or another during the teen years.  It’s normal.  I remember feeling at times like all was lost – but it wasn’t, and we all survived.  Every parent needs to remind themselves that children go through stages, and while they need to deal with the problems as they pop up, if they stay on their knees and keep a right heart, it really will be okay.

Can I go back and repeat something in that last paragraph?  They need to deal with the problems as they pop up.  Parents can’t ignore an issue, just because it seems to be a normal thing kids go through.  We may say,

“Every toddler has temper tantrums.”  “Every home-schooler has issues not wanting to do their school work.”  “Every teenager rebels”, so I’ll just let it go.  We all did those things, didn’t we? “

BUT if you ignore it, you’re only asking for a child who will be self-willed, demanding of their own way all their life, and who will never submit to the will of their loving God who has great plans for their life!

All we need to do is look at Eli in the book of Samuel.  He let his sons go on doing their sinful acts, and the situation only escalated for him and his sons alike!  Can we say DEATH?  Yes, the Lord ended their lives, due to their sinfulness and rebellion.

The Scriptures admonish parents to teach, teach, teach.  You’ll feel like a broken record, but it’s your job.  This doesn’t mean nagging.  Nagging is talk with no action until anger is stirred.  Teaching your child is instructing them how to do something, even giving an explanation of how and why.  Give a time limit.  Then expect follow-through.  You check up on the child.  If it hasn’t been done, then discipline follows.  You explain again and repeat the process, expecting obedience.  Maybe something like this:

  • “Joey, it’s 7:30, and you need to get up and be at the breakfast table by 8:00.  Please come dressed and ready for school with your bed made and your room picked up.”
  • At 8:00 when breakfast is served and there is no Joey is at the table, you go to his room and find he has rolled over and gone back to sleep.  You (calmly) wake him up and stand there while you ask him to get up right then.  Remind him of the request, and then let him know that because he disobeyed, he will go to bed 30 minutes earlier tonight since it seems like he didn’t get enough sleep.  Also for the time it takes him to get dressed, make his bed and clean up his room, he will miss out on some activity later in the day.

You must expect obedience and then mete out discipline for the lack of it.  The same would go with a temper tantrum or “meltdown.”  It might be normal for a child, but it should not allowed.  Don’t make excuses for them.  Deal with it consistently.

No parent should lose heart if they are dealing with sinful attitudes and actions in their child’s life – even if it has to be done over and over.  The time to lose heart is when you’ve given in to their sinful behaviors.  Don’t be an Eli and turn your head away.  Be a parent who loves your child enough to teach them what is right according to God’s Word. Then keep reminding yourself that if you deal with it consistently, it will pass, so don’t give up!

Does this make sense to you?  Is there a question that pops up when you read this?  Feel free to leave a comment!

Cheering you on,

children · Parenting · Uncategorized

Hope for the Parent of a Prodigal

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On Monday morning when I was having my Quiet time, I was thanking the Lord for the blessings of the day before.  My heart was full of the joy of seeing Andrew continue to follow the Lord’s leading in his life, and then my thoughts went to Alli, his wife, and our daughter.  Yes, I thought about her standing beside him Sunday, tears puddling in her eyes.  I remembered the pride and the awe that glowed from her expressions, but there was something far deeper that came to my heart as I prayed on Monday morning.

My heart and mind went back to Alli’s mid to late teen years.  I have a clear memory of kneeling beside her bed one night, asking her to tell me the assurance of her salvation.  Due to attitudes, actions and heart responses, it was obvious that she was distant from the Lord.  My mother’s heart wondered if it was because she wasn’t truly saved, or if it was due to the fact that her heart had become cold; that she was backslidden.  That night she told me of her salvation as a child, and knew in her heart it was anchored in God’s promises to save her if she would call on Him.  That was good to hear, but it was obvious that things weren’t right, that she wasn’t really living and enjoying the relationship with the God who came to seek and save her.

My husband and I continued to pray.  Every time we had a service I’d pray she would get right.  Every time she attended a revival, I was looking for that to be her day to return to a close walk with the Lord. But still she resisted and I waited, and in truth, I wondered why the Lord  wasn’t answering my prayers.  I knew He wanted her to draw near to Him, but I couldn’t see anything happening, and my heart was so very heavy.

Her cool heart revealed itself by apathy towards spiritual things.    There were attitudes and sighs and shrugging of the shoulders, an unconcern about others and a centering of her thoughts on self.  John writes that

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. III John 4

While there is no greater joy, I doubt there is any greater sorrow than for a parent to see their child not walking in truth.
But what I didn’t see was what the Lord was doing in her heart.  I didn’t see the future issues that He would bring that would humble her and make her so needy for what only He could do.

But it did happen! It didn’t take place overnight or in one mighty swoop. It happened little by little. There was a gradual turning of her heart, a realization that true life is only found in Christ. I would hear it in the same way I’d seen the coldness – her attitudes, her words, her actions. There was a tenderness and a care for others, a desire to be in His Word and with His people. God answered by bringing other people into her life, hard situations, and the preaching of the Word. But I couldn’t see its gradual creeping into her life. It was like the snow clouds gathering, unbeknownst to us, then we awaken to three inches on the ground. It was happening all along while we were busy with other matters.

The God of the snow is the God of our children. He is sovereign. He cares and He is at work. I don’t share this story to embarrass Alli, but to give hope to many parents who are burdened for their children. I know Alli’s heart would want to encourage you as well. Don’t quit praying. Don’t wonder where God is and when He will answer. He is eternal, therefore, time doesn’t matter to Him. What I didn’t understand at the time was that the Lord was wanting to teach me as much as He wanted to teach Alli. I learned about His character better in those years than I would have otherwise. The hard part for parents is that we can see the prodigal. We can hear their sarcasm and denials, but we cannot see what God is doing, and so we doubt. In truth, as I thanked the Lord on Monday for the work He’d done in my daughter’s life, those years of praying seemed very short. While I prayed and waited, it seemed like an eternity, but it wasn’t. God worked perfectly in all regards, as He will always do because He is a perfect God.

So, mom, keep praying. Keep trusting your sovereign, eternal God. He is at work. One day you’ll be on your knees, tears of joy streaming down your face for how wonderfully he has answered! He is at work. Trust Him even when you cannot see.

With tears of joy,

Christian growth · Family life · Husband · Marriage · Parenting · Pastor

The Most Popular Posts of the Year

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Top ten lists are always fun and informative.  When I look into the stats here, it helps me to know what to write and what areas women enjoy reading.

I recently enjoyed taking a look into my blog to see what RefreshHer’s top ten posts of 2015 were. Let’s have a drum roll and I’ll show you which posts made it into this year’s most popular!

When was the last time someone read “The Little Gingerbread Man” to you?!

#10  This post told Why I went to the Altar again Last Sunday.  Do you remember why?!

#9 The Topic of Conversational Respect was a marriage post that needs to be practiced by each of us wives. How are you doing at this?

#8 Using Mother’s Day as a Measuring Stick told about a trap many mom’s fall into.  The result is not pretty.

#7 Living With the Fear of Getting Caught is a partly funny story on myself;  the lesson I learned is the other part.

#6 Watch Your Step was a post written by a guest and my dear friend, Kellie.  Her insight of walking in “muck” touched all of our hearts.

#5 What you Don’t Know about Infertility was a post written to inform unsuspecting people who feel the need to say something to couples who have no children.

#4 The Best Date that Costs Nothing was close to the top, reminding me that people want help with their marriage and practical ways that will keep things fun!

#3 How To Tell if a Child Is Ready To Be Saved was read by a host of parents who are grappling with what to do with their child who keeps wanting to ask Jesus into their life.  I pray this post has sealed the answer in not only the child’s heart, but their parent’s.

#2‘s post was, How To Refresh Your Pastor.  If you’ve forgotten to pray fervently for your pastor who is fighting great spiritual battles for his congregetation, I trust you’ll hurry over and reread this post so you can be a blessing to this man who gives so much of himself for the Gospel’s sake!

And now for the most read post of 2015..

#1 I must have lots of frustrated parents reading my blog, because the best post of the year was, Training Your Preschooler To Sit in Church!  So, how’s it going?  Do you need a bit of a refresher course?  The key is being consistent with the ideas I shared.

Let me just tell you how much I appreciate each of you who take time out of your day to read my blog.  Thank you.  I pray that I can encourage and refresh your heart, home and life and encourage you to stay faithful in your walk with God.  Being His child is the best life!

Thanks again for encouraging me in another year of blogging!

Is there a topic you’d like to see addressed in this next year?  Leave a comment and let me know!

With love,