When a person has lost a loved one they don’t really need a lot; just people that care. Often, however, it’s hard to know how to show your love. It’s difficult to know what to say. One preacher from our area slapped my husband on the back after we lost Ashley and said, “Well, you’re young, you can have another baby!” Needless to say, he was not a comfort to us, though I’m sure he meant well. If I may, let me list some things that might help you to be a blessing to someone you may encounter that’s experienced an infant death.

1. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. Just put your arm around the parents and tell them you’re sorry and leave it at that. If they’re believers, they know Romans 8:28. This is not the time for mini sermons. They’re hurting and just need a shoulder to cry on.
2. If you have a child the age of the one that has died, be sensitive about bringing it around the parents for a while.
3. Use the baby’s name when referring to him/her. This is a sweet reminder that this child is a real person and is now alive in heaven.
4. If the couple has other children offer to babysit so they can spend some time together alone.
5. An ornament in the baby’s memory is a touching gift. I look for baby bootee ornaments and then write the child’s name and year of their birth/death on the bottom.
6. Give a live plant or tree to plant in the baby’s memory.
7. Listen for opportunities to meet special needs. My mother and mother-in-law bought a beautiful soft blanket to wrap Ashley in. We had no preemie clothes and the funeral director had told us he would wrap her in gauze (not exactly a comforting thought). They made a diligent search for the perfect blanket. This touched my heart beyond words.
8. Take the mom out for coffee or lunch and just let her talk. Ask questions about the baby’s features, the reason the couple chose its name – topics that will allow her to remember her baby without digging for details of the cause of death, etc. She may wish to talk about that, but let her bring it up.
9. Remember the couple on the year anniversary with a card, and again, use the baby’s name.
10. Try not to share your own story at this time, if you have one. Even if your situation was similar, no one can really say, “I know how you feel” because everyone’s circumstances are different.

Grieving parents are not touchy people that you cannot help; it just requires some sensitivity to know how to help. I pray these tips will guide you the next time you encounter someone who is hurting.

We made the trip back to Indiana, praying and knowing that the Lord knew exactly what was going on. Our baby was in His hands and we could trust Him. We travelled home on a Friday and my doctor’s office was closed by the time we got home. I had an appointment for an ultrasound at the hospital on Monday and decided that unless some other symptom occurred I would wait until then. Needless to say, the weekend was a long one, and my fears deepened as I continued to feel no movement from the baby.

On Monday morning I decided I should call the doctor’s office before going to have the ultrasound. I was pretty sure now that what the screen on the scan would show, and I felt my doctor ought to be the one to find this, and not some poor technician that would have to try to cover her findings. The receptionist told me to “Come on in and they would check me” with a tone of voice that said, “These pregnant women are so hyper about every little thing!” When they called me back to an examining room, I didn’t get to see my doctor – they had the nurse practitioner come in. She was methodical as she placed the stethoscope on my swollen tummy and listened…and listened…and listened. She excused herself with a flushed face and the words, “Dr. Woodruff will be in to check you in a minute.” I knew then that my fears were true – there was no heartbeat. Our baby had died.

After the doctor’s examination and confirmation that the baby was no longer living, he gave me instructions to prepare to come to the hospital. It had been determined at the beginning of the pregnancy that I would have a repeat C-section, but now the doctor told me that a natural delivery would be best. I didn’t need the recovery from surgery on top of the emotional pain I would be dealing with.

I was scheduled to enter the hospital the next day and be induced. However, that afternoon after returning home the doctor called me and asked if I would wait until Thursday for the delivery; the maternity ward was full. Yes, I would. That seemed unthinkable and cruel to others that heard of this change, but for me it was a blessing from the hand of my heavenly Father. It gave me two more days to have my baby near me and prepare for letting her go.

…Continued tomorrow