Category: Parenting

Parenting

Loving Training VS. Unfair Cruelty

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Family Camps and Family sermons are a blessing for a mom who is hungry to do things God’s way! I can remember times when after attending Family Camp, I’d come home all fired up and ready to set my girls on the straight and narrow path of discipline. Yes sir, we were going to have an organized, happy, well-run home now! So I’d get out my notes from the sermon on Child Discipline and I’d begin to apply the rules, and the loving discipline that came as a result of not obeying Mommy. Wow! What a change! My daughters knew their limitations, what was expected, and what would happen if they chose to disobey. I learned that children want to know where the boundaries are. It made our girls feel loved and safe.  It made them happy, and it made their parents happy! That is until…

A tiring day would set in. Maybe it started because I had a migraine the night before and got little sleep. Maybe we’d had a busy day, and everyone was worn out…especially Mom. One of the girls would “cross the line” and do one of the “Taboo” things they were recently taught not to do, and in my weariness I’d overlook it. I’d excuse it for one reason or another. Then not long thereafter, she’d add another “taboo” action or response, and she knew it, and so did I, but in my weariness I’d reason, “don’t we all have bad days now and then, for goodness sake?”

On and on this would continue, until finally Mom had had ENOUGH. The proverbial tea kettle boiled over and Katie bar the door, this child was in BIG TROUBLE! Discipline was given, but in anger and frustration, rather than loving correction. How unfair. How cruel of me. The only thing I taught my child in moments like those was to be afraid of Mom!

It was time for Mom to go to school and learn some parenting Math:

Discipline + Consistency = Loving Training

BUT,

Discipline – Consistency = Unfair Cruelty

This equation is true in every area of parenting.  We learn this from our heavenly Father. God is a just God.  He’s immutable (never changing). He loves us enough to consistently discipline and correct every time we disobey.

Last week I gave some encouragement for moms who desire to train their children to sit in church. I heard through the grapevine that one mom read that post and then said, “I sure hope this works!” It’s no secret formula, for sure, it’s just doing the math problem above, adding discipline with consistency in order to lovingly train your child to sit quietly in church. It takes time, it takes patience, but probably the most important ingredient is the consistency! 

When you’re doing the training at home on your couch, if you overlook him getting down a couple times because he “needed his blankie,” or “he wanted his other sippie cup,” you are headed for nothing but frustration. It’s essential that what you expect from your child you adhere to each and every single time. Without that consistency, your child won’t know what’s really expected. They will be confused. One day you correct him for getting down or throwing a fit, the next day, you overlook it. Then when you’re sitting in church and he decides to take a trip down the aisle during the sermon, you’re now embarrassed by his actions, and you chase him down, snatch him up in anger, and storm out of the service. How unfair and cruel.

On my inconsistent days with my daughters, when I finally got back on track and followed through with the loving training, you know what happened? The strife was gone from our home! The Tea Kettle settled down, and my child was once again happy! Yes, even after being corrected. Love your child enough to be consistent with him. It’s the loving training that will bring glory to God and peace in your home and hearts!

When do you find it hardest to be consistent in child-training?

With love,

Parenting

“Wait! Don’t Discipline Her!”

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He that justifieth the wicked,
and he that condemneth the just,
even they both are abomination to the Lord.
Proverbs 17:15

Does it scald you to hear that a just person was persecuted for something they didn’t do? When you learn that an innocent person was punished for a crime they didn’t do are you tempted to go on a rampage? It’s not fair. We want justice.

But now, let me ask you moms…are you just as adamant about seeing to it that the wrong that your child does IS punished? It’s the other side of this proverb – “He that justifies the wicked is abomination to the Lord. “Wicked” is the description of our heart according to Jeremiah 17:9 – The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? When we overlook the wicked, sinful things our child does, God hates it.

You may think you’re innocent of this parental sin, but will you consider one more question –

What do you do when your spouse steps in to discipline the wrong your child has done?  Our protective, mothering heart wants to jump in and intervene for our child, does it not? We hate to see them get a spanking, or anything that might cause pain or hardship. It’s tempting to step in and make an excuse for them. We may suggest they be given another chance. In so doing, we are justifying the wicked! I might add that we’re also stepping into the realm of showing disrespect to our husband’s authority and demeaning his leadership in our home. At the moments when we want to stop the discipline from happening, we must think the truth – that the wickedness needs to be dealt with, or we’ll be sinning against the Lord.

I can remember times when one of our girls would push the limit and disobey, and would earn the discipline that was promised if they crossed that line. My husband would step in and send them to their room. They knew what was coming, and so did I. They went to their room, and I headed to mine – at the other end of the house. I had to remove myself from the situation in order to be able to handle it. I would go and pray for both my husband and my daughter as the discipline took place.

If you’re asking, “What if the husband is going to give unfair punishment?” I’d answer by saying, make a loving request. You can be like Daniel and ask a question PRIVATELY. Asking him a question about the discipline in front of your child is again destroying his leadership. Go into another room and talk quietly. Ask a question. “Do you think this deserves the punishment you’re giving?” “Could we pray before you spank her?” Ask sweetly, then accept whatever he decides.

Remember that the principle of disciplining the wickedness is in order to turn your child’s heart to God. This reminds them of their need for Christ. To avoid the dealing with their sin, is to keep them from seeing their own wicked heart and their need for cleansing. That in itself can help us understand why the Lord wants us to let our child bear the consequence of their sin.

Don’t become guilty yourself by justifying the wrong your child does. Instead, make sure it’s dealt with. The Lord loves that and He loves your child…even more than you do! The reward and blessing will follow!

Are you ever tempted to defend the wrong your child does? When is it hardest for you?

With love,

Marriage · Parenting

How to Survive and Thrive in the Empty Nest

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When I first wrote the post about taking our last daughter off to college and us becoming Empty Nesters, it had just happened. I was right in the thick of it all at the time, climbing my way up the tree and flinging myself over the edge of the nest. I was weepy, happy, excited, sad, melancholy and apprehensive. Those emotions could come and go at a moment’s notice.

I’ll never forget going to church the first time after Alli was gone. I was alone in the pew. My husband was preaching and my girls were gone. It felt very empty…until the time of greeting one another. A little girl came over to me, one of my “little friends.” She wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed me so hard. The Lord knew I needed that, and it was at that moment that He spoke to my heart and answered the question that I’d been asking Him since we’d dropped Alli off at school,

“What Now, Lord?”

The answer He spoke to my heart was to minister to younger women and girls. I knew He wanted me to pour my life into others. So I began, I believe even that week. I asked the mom of that little girl if she could come over and bake cookies with me at my home. She did – several times. I also had other children over to bake, read, and just hang out with me. Then I began with women as well, getting together to have coffee and pray, mentoring younger women using good books as our guide. The Lord just opened up so many doors and opportunities. I think I’ve stayed busier during these years than I did when my girls were home!

God answered my prayers, giving me a way to invest my life for eternity, and I love it! So, now on the other side of the Empty Nest, I can look back and remember how I got here. Let me share some practical things for you to do so you can not only survive, but thrive when you are an Empty Nester.

  • To stay in touch with your child, but not to smother them, send them a text each morning. Send a verse you’re praying for them, or an encouragement for their day.
  • Do something fun with your spouse, like getting away for a couple days, at the very beginning of the time your child leaves. It will make the break easier to deal with if you’re not staring at their empty bedroom.
  • Make time with your husband intentional. Do things together and enjoy the freedom you now possess! Just going out during the day when my husband made visits was special to me, because I’d home schooled for 20 years, and couldn’t do that very often. Now I had the chance to join him, and it was great! Maybe for you it will mean getting to run to Sonic after prayer meeting or doing your grocery shopping together. These years should knit your hearts together like your early days of marriage! I like the suggestion of one reader to attend a Couples’ Retreat. The Wilds or other similar Christian camps provide a beautiful setting, fun times and spiritual encouragement for your marriage.
  • Think on what is true – Phil. 4:8 – The Lord intended for children to grow up and leave home. This is the right thing. Don’t allow yourself to wallow in sadness. This is a new season, and one to be enjoyed.
  • Ask the Lord to give you a new ministry; something that will count for eternity. You now have extra time on your hands; use it wisely. Is there a child at church you could pour your life into? Does a young mom need encouragement? Who needs the Gospel that you could do a Bible Study with so that you might share the Good News? Is there a ministry at church you now have time for?
  • Relish the time to dig deep into God’s Word. If you are able to stay home during the Empty Nest Years, as I have, you’ll enjoy extra time to do Bible studies, pray and work on Scripture memory. Determine to make this a spiritually rich season of your life. You’ll have plenty stored in your heart for the times when you may be tempted to be down or sad about your children being gone. Let your Heavenly Father teach you and draw you nearer to His heart.

We missed our girls, but we did indeed have so much fun when the Empty Nest happened that I believe Alli got a little offended! That’s not really a bad thing. Our lives need to be focused first on the Lord, next on our mate, THEN on our children.

To you young moms, keep your husband first right now, so when your children fly from the nest, you won’t be strangers with that man sitting across the table from you at dinner. It will happen sooner than you think! And when it does happen, you two will be so in love, there will be a twinkle in your eye just behind those tears! Don’t just survive, thrive!

From my empty, but contented nest,

children · Parenting

College Send-Offs and a Parent’s Heart

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The month of August brings the resuming of college classes.  Anyone sending  one of your children off to their first year of college?  I remember facing that heart-wrenching time when both of our girls left home to further their education.  It was tough, but the Lord ministered to my heart so wonderfully, and I blogged about it when it happened with Alli.  I recently found that post, and wondered if it would be helpful to share again. Here it is:

This weekend found us moving our daughter to college. Whew! Thank the Lord for a mini van!


As she sat in the floor of her room packing the last of her belongings the night before leaving, she got a bit emotional about the transition that was in front of her. I understood – my emotions have been in my throat for a week. I’m so happy for her, yet it’s just unbelievable that this time has come so quickly. I’ve gone back and forth – happy, then melancholy; excited, then fearful.

God knows what we need before we do. Yesterday morning in the church service we attended, a song was sung by the choir with the pastor singing the verses as a solo. The song? Consider the Lilies. I love the song; our family has sung it in church with one daughter at the piano, the other on her violin accompanying my husband and me. Remembering us singing it recently made it special. But the words were a sweet reminder that I can trust my God for the care of my younger daughter at college. She’s young, she’s new at college life, but He is aware of where she is and what she needs and I can trust Him – especially when I consider the lilies… Matthew 6:27-29

God also gave me a wise husband who planned for us to get away to the beach after taking our daughter to college. He suggested that we take some vacation time, before going back home. How smart that was! We prayed and the Lord has provided a lovely condo at an extremely reasonable rate. Here’s the view out our patio window…

As I had my devotions recently I read Ecclesiastes 3:1 –

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”

Immediately the Lord brought to my mind that there is also a purpose for every time. How I long to use this season of my life to honor the Lord. It would be very easy to live for myself now that I have more free time, but I want it to count for eternity. I’m asking the Lord for the purpose of this season, and I pray that this week while we’re away He’ll show me a bit of what that may be.

How wonderful it is to relax after a very busy summer. So for now I’ll rest…and consider the lilies.

Consider The Lilies
Written by: Joel Hemphill

Verse I
Consider the lilies they don’t toil nor spin
And there’s not a king with more splendor than them
Consider the sparrow they don’t plant or sow
But they’re fed by the Master who watches them grow

Chorus

We have a Heavenly Father above
With eyes full of mercy
And a heart full of love
He really cares when
Your head is bowed low
Consider the lilies and then you will know

Verse II

Now may I introduce you to this friend of mine
Who hangs out the stars and tells the sun when to shine
And kisses the flowers each morning with dew
But He’s not too busy to care about you

I pray that if you’re sending a child off to school, or one of your children has left to get married, or whatever the case may be, you’ll be encouraged that God is aware and He cares for them – and for you! If you need proof, just consider the lilies.

with love,

children · Parenting

Is Your Child’s Education Your Idol?

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In my recent Bible club with my little students next door, I taught them the second commandment –

You shall not make unto thee any graven image.

In other words – Don’t worship idols! But I needed to establish in their hearts what an idol is. I used this definition that I heard on a radio message –

“An idol is anything I love, trust, serve or fear more than God.”

Now, if you’re a mom with children in school, will you look at the definition above and ask yourself if your child’s education has become an idol to you? We gasp and say, “But education IS important! If my child fails, he’ll never make anything of himself! How will he ever have a career? I HAVE to push him and make sure he gets good grades!” Please hear me – I’m not suggesting that you allow your child to be lazy or flunk out of fifth grade because he’d rather play baseball! But I’d like for us to consider five ways you make your child’s education more than just important, but an idol in your life:

  1. It becomes the first priority in your home. In other words, your church attendance and participation, your schedule and extra-curricular activities all revolve around school. If there’s a test to study for, or homework to do, it comes first. You will skip church to make time for them to work on school. It’s an idol.
  2. You talk to your child more about his grades, homework and lessons more than you talk to him about God and His Word. It’s an idol.
  3. You fear what will happen if he fails or does poorly more than you fear him not doing the will of God for his life. It’s an idol.
  4. You’re devoted to him getting good grades so he can make a good living, rather than him loving God and seeking His will – whatever that may be. It’s an idol.
  5. You talk to others about your child’s achievements in their education more than you talk about their obedience to God’s Word and ways. It’s an idol.

So, how are you doing? Did these questions reveal any truth about an idol in your heart regarding education? You can trust God with your child’s education and with their future! Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you! Matthew 6:33

Lovingly,