In-Laws and Out-Laws – Part 1

September 5, 2017September 4, 2017 RefreshHer2 Comments

backyard scene a

Someone has said…

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

A huge part of the difficulty that can come to a marriage is dealing with the In-laws. You see, when a girl says, “I do,” to a man she loves, she is also saying “I do” to receiving his family. She takes them on as her own family, and of course, he takes hers as well. But that isn’t always the easiest job in the world. There are so many variables as to why that’s the case, but I’d like to address what to do in order to make those relationships better.

I’ve been both a daughter-in-law and am now a mother-in-law, so I can speak a little to the female side of these relationships. Tomorrow I’m going to speak to the mothers-in-law. But we’ll look today at being a daughter-in-law that would honor the Lord and also be a blessing to the other side of her family.

Give your in-law’s names – When I was newly married, I had a sweet father-in-law who oddly enough had been (and still was) my boss at the school where I taught. He was also my pastor. Now all of the sudden, we were related! That was a strange transition to make! My mom gave me good advice before my wedding. She said, “Start calling your in-law’s by the name you choose right after you’re married. It will sound like it’s bouncing off the walls when you first say it, but keep on saying it. It will get easier.”
My husband and I had decided to call one another’s parents as we do our own, Mom and Dad. When you have parents of your own that you treasure and love, it’s hard to throw that title to someone else, but these people were parents to the man I’d given my life to! Could I not “adopt” them as my second set of parents? So, after the honeymoon, I needed my mother-in-law’s attention and I had no choice but to say it – “Mom…” It was just like my own mother had warned me. It seemed like I had shouted it into a megaphone! But I kept on saying it until it became as natural saying my own name.
It can be so difficult to give your in-law’s a name that instead, you refer to them as only pronouns. Love them enough to give them a name – Mom and Dad, Bob and RuthAnn, Mom C., something! It’s so much kinder than “her” or “him!”
Give your in-law’s the benefit of the doubt. If you’re questioning their actions, their absence, or their words to you or your husband, just step back and don’t assume anything but the best. Instead of asking, Why does your mother only call you and ask about the holidays? Don’t I count? Assume that he is the one who could answer her questions. Then you make an attempt at saying, Hey, I hear you’re wondering about us coming for Thanksgiving. We’re looking forward to it. Do you have a minute that we could talk about what you’d like me to bring?
It’s a tendency to get offended, but sometimes if we build a bridge for communication, it will make things easier the next time.
Give your in-law’s time to be with their son without you. Don’t feel offended that your MIL would love to spend time with your husband. Instead, help that to happen. When my in-law’s came to visit us for Christmas, I always tried to encourage my husband to take his mom out for breakfast one morning. They could talk and spend time together, and I know she appreciated having her son to himself for a couple hours.
(Tomorrow we’ll discuss what happens if this need becomes obsessive for her!)
Give your in-law’s time with your whole family. Holidays can be downright dreadful if there are not wise decisions about where and when the holidays will be spent. Going back and forth to both families is exhausting and sharing that holiday with only one side of the family can be hurtful.
Our solution to that is to spend Thanksgiving with one side and Christmas the other. Then the next year do the opposite. Birthday’s, Mother’s Day and so on can be handled in the same way – back and forth.
Give your in-law’s the same kindness you’d give your own parents. Most husbands aren’t good at remembering to buy gifts and cards for their mom once they’re married. Why not consider it your duty as his wife to remind your fella to buy a card for his mom for Mother’s Day? Or you pick out the card and gift for her birthday and let him sign it for both of you. She’ll recognize his handwriting and will be elated that he remembered. Only you will be the wiser! The point is, be sure to do the same kind acts for your in-law’s as you do for your family.
In the book of Ruth, we hear Naomi saying to her two daughters-in-law:
Go, return each to her mother’s house: the Lord deal kindly with you, as ye have dealt with the dead, and with me.
Both Ruth and Orpah had shown kindness to their mother-in-law and she was fully aware of it!
Could that be said of you and me? Take the high road and show kindness. Be first to do it. Do it even if it’s not returned. What to do?
1. Call them.
2. Send a text to check on them.
3. Send them pictures of your children.
4. Send them pictures of your husband!
5. Pray for them.
6. Love them with words
7. Love them with your time.
8. Love them with actions. A card, a gift, a loving gift of your time.

It would be hard not to love a daughter-in-law who responds with those kind of actions. I didn’t always do that. I struggled, especially in our early years. But I thank the Lord for the good relationship he gave me with my in-law’s over time. Ladies, sometimes the hardship in the in-law relations can make them look like outlaw’s, but if we make the effort, we could very easily turn things around for God’s glory and we daughters-in-law could be remembered as favorably as Ruth was.

What’s your best tip for responding as a daughter-in-law? Who has a great daughter-in-law that you’d like to brag about?

Don’t forget to check back tomorrow for tips for the Mothers-in-law!

Cooking · Family life · main dish · Main entree · Meal planning · Traveling

Meal Planning for Family Vacation

September 4, 2017September 3, 2017 RefreshHer6 Comments

For a fantastic ending to a great summer, we enjoyed our first Family Vacation! We were blessed to have our daughters, sons-in-law, and grandsons all join us for a two and half day get-away! Let me just start by sharing a few of the highlights:

Coming up with our hashtag for the time away! We wanted pics to remember this event by, so we needed a hashtag for Instagram! We settled on #hamfamvacay2017. Some of the other running options were – #picvacay2017 #hammingitup2017
Having time to just be together. When you have babies in the group, it’s just easier not to be running all over, and we were happy with that! We gladly opted to just stay near the condo and only go out one time. We truly just wanted to be able to visit and be together.
Having time in the Word as a family. My husband gathered everyone together on the patio and we opened God’s Word to read a chapter and share our “Ah ha” verses. How thankful I am that we could all contribute and share from the riches of the Bible. I do not take for granted having a family filled with believers!
Meal time! What’s better than home-cooked food, enjoyed at “home” with those you love?

It can be a little tricky feeding lots of people, but we came up with a plan that made it doable. Today I’m linking up with my daughter, Whitney to share how we managed six meals for six people, adding in the complications of two who were dieting, one who had a birthday, and one (kind of) picky eater!

Because we were staying at a Wyndham resort, we had cooking capabilities and decided we would eat all our meals “at home” rather than eating out. Aside from being a money saver, it’s also so much easier to visit in the quiet of the resort, than at a restaurant. But how do you bring enough food and give what everyone likes when there are six adults eating six meals? Here’s what we did:

I offered to make supper for both nights, knowing that they would be the more costly meals.
I suggested that the girls either:
~each take a day and make both breakfast and lunch on their day,
~one take lunches for both days and the other the breakfasts for both days. They chose the latter.

Another component in cooking for a crowd is dietary restrictions, or even likes/dislikes. One of the couples was on a diet that restricted grains, dairy, sugar, and several other things. One in our group isn’t too adventurous with foods. We decided that we would do our best to provide a main meat that everyone could have, and then let them fill the gaps with what they could/would eat. It can be nearly impossible to please everyone – right? This way, the options was theirs to eat what the cook provided, or add their own items to the meal.

We were glad to be able to cook, but no one wanted to be spending lots of time preparing the food. For my supper meals, I opted to do a grilled meat one night and an oven-prepared meal the next night. Here were my supper menus:

Night One:

Grilled Steaks
(Adding only grill seasoning and no marinade, due to the dieters)
Baked potatoes (done in the oven)
Corn on the cob
French Bread
Cupcakes

hamfamvacay17 3 jpg — Excuse the poor picture, but the picture taking was low on the list at the moment! =)

For that first supper, everyone ate the steaks and potatoes, but the dieters didn’t have corn, bread or cupcakes. We were celebrating a birthday that night, so I got creative with what I had and made a slice of a diet friendly birthday “cake” which also fell on the day of the eclipse!

Night Two:

Oven-Baked Chicken Fajitas –
(Everyone could add or leave off what they didn’t like)
Spanish Rice – (The dieters fixed Sweet Potato fries)
Refried Beans
Fresh Fruit

After everyone else left, my husband and I had the blessing of finishing out the week at the resort, so we needed breakfast and lunch meals for those days as well. To keep things easy, I tried to get double use out of items I brought. For example:

Bacon – Used for breakfast or BLT’s for lunch
Bread – Toasted for Steak night, Toast and jelly for breakfast
Leftover fajitas for lunch
Fresh tomatoes and fruit – salad, dessert and snacks!

Mealtimes were a huge success! There was no flurry of wondering where we would go or what we were going to eat. It was laid out simply and everyone had plenty of good food!

You can go here and check out Whitney’s post to see what she and her sister fixed for the other meals!

What does your family do to make mealtime happen on vacation?

With love from my country kitchen,

children · Christian Life · Family life · refreshment at home · Women's roles · Work

My Most Embarrassing Moment and a Lesson About Priorities

August 31, 2017August 30, 2017 RefreshHerLeave a comment

schoolhouse 2a.jpg

Have you ever been asked about your most embarrassing moment? Mine is ingrained in my mind like a freeze-framed DVD on the computer screen. It happened like this –

Our four year-old daughter, Whitney, was attending pre-school at the Christian school in our area. Ministry was busy and finances were tough. Then out of the clear blue I got a phone call from the principal where our daughter was attending pre-school. It seems they were in dire need of a second grade school teacher because the current teacher had quit. He asked if I would pray about teaching the class for the year. The whole year? How could I swing that with all my other responsibilities as a wife, mom and pastor’s wife? As my husband and I talked and prayed about it, we felt that perhaps this was the Lord providing for our needs.

As we prayed, I also consulted with my parents for their advice. I clearly remember having a phone conversation with my dad where he discouraged me from taking the position because of the age of my little girl and her needs. She would be home in the afternoon when I would still be at school. I regretted later not heeding his warning! But we reasoned that she would have time with her daddy while I was gone. We failed to consider the many ministry responsibilities that would call for his time.

So, yes, I took the teaching job. From the very first afternoon when I saw my husband pull out of the school parking lot with our daughter in tow, I regretted signing my name on the dotted line of that teaching contract! But now it was too late. We got into a routine – Whitney rode to school with me in the morning where she went to pre-school and I headed to the second grade classroom. Her daddy picked her up at noon when her class was finished and they would visit church members together in the afternoon or she would play while he studied. Some days, due to the need to visit the hospital or attend a funeral, she would spend the afternoon with a friend and fellow-pastor’s wife. When I would hear that they had made cookies, played house or beauty shop, it would tear my heart in two!

Along with school, of course, were my ministry responsibilities. I tried to keep up with activities and the people of our congregation. One evening, desiring to show my concern, I approached a woman whose mother had been very ill.

“Mae, how is your mother doing?” I asked. Her expression turned to disbelief, and she said in a somber tone, “Denise, my mother died two weeks ago.”

At that moment I wished I could die! How embarrassing! I apologized for my blunder and somehow found my way to my seat where my face slowly returned to its natural color.

That’s what happened as a result of having too many plates spinning in the air and trying to keep them all going. Now one had crashed to the floor – and in church of all places – the place where I should have been demonstrating care and concern! I realized at that moment that I was doing too much, and that I wasn’t giving ample time or attention to the things that were most important.

Though that year was difficult, I learned the greatest lesson from that experience. I learned what my priorities were, and working outside my home while I had children to raise was not one of them! Hence, that was my first and last job, not because I was too lazy to work; I had just learned the hard way that the best (and most fulfilling) job for me was raising my girls and being a help-meet to my husband. Nothing else in the world really mattered. There were still times when I’ve felt I was spinning plates, but I had learned through my embarrassing moment not to allow those plates to be the ones that were closest to my heart.

How do you balance all the busy things going on in your world? Is there something you feel the Lord would have you to give up?

children · Church · Family life · Motherhood · obedience · Parenting

Training Your Preschooler to Sit in Church

August 29, 2017September 8, 2025 RefreshHerLeave a comment

Summer is nearly over and this is my last week to repost some old posts. This week I’m highlighting some of the most popular ones. I trust you’ll find something here that you never read, or that you need to be reminded of! The first one is about teaching your children to sit quietly in church. Have your kids mastered it? If not, here are some suggestions…

You looked so forward to being in church last Sunday, but by the time the service was over you had wrangled with your preschooler in the pew, your blouse was spotted with juice drops, the floor was littered with Goldfish Crackers, and you’re more ready for a deserted island alone without food or water than you are for the Sweet By and By!

Been there? Most of us have! But there is hope for you and your child to be able to sit through an entire service and actually hear the message and get a blessing out of it! Read on!

The picture below is the best place to train your preschool-aged child to learn to sit in church…

This is your living room or family room couch. That’s right, the best place to train your child about church is in your own home. If you wait until Sunday morning to try to teach them to sit down rather than run the aisles and to whisper, rather than shout out their requests, you’re headed for disaster and major frustration. Here are my suggestions for training a preschool-aged child to sit in church:

Clear the area you’re going to sit in and make it free of distractions. TV is off and toys are stashed away.
Get one or two quiet activities like a Bible flannel book or other quiet book, and perhaps one quiet toy like a coloring book and a few crayons (no markers!). These toys will be reserved only for your Quiet Time, so they’re “new” each time they’re brought out. Purchase or make several books/quiet toys to keep only for this teaching time and Sundays. Take a look at this! Find similar ideas on Pinterest!
This is a magnetic fishing pond! Super easy to make and super fun for your child. Also super cheap!
Set the timer for five minutes to start. Gather yourself and your child and tell him he is going to sit on the couch with you until the timer goes off. Give him one book or toy and tell him he may play with it while you sit on the couch, but that he may not get down or talk. It’s time to listen. Show him how to sit, and remind him this is QUIET TIME. Tell him If he talks the toy will get taken away – he must play without talking.
Turn on a Podcast of your pastor, if available. If your pastor’s sermons aren’t online, use another broadcast. Have your Bible out and you sit still and listen.
When/if your child starts talking, try not to answer with words, but put your finger to your lips and shake your head “no.” Don’t answer a question for those five minutes. Give a couple silent warnings the first couple of days, but after two heads shaken, take the toy away as you promised you would do. If the child throws a fit or screams, take him out of the room, go to his bedroom or yours and remind him what you’re asking. If he continues to disobey you may need to apply loving discipline to correct his disobedience. The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. Prov 29:15
When the timer goes off, discuss how they did. “You talked to Mommy, but remember, this is Quiet Time; time to listen to pastor preach. Or, “Yay! You sat so quietly and played! I’m so proud of you and so is God! We got to listen to Pastor preach and that makes God happy!”
The next day and for the whole week, keep up with the five minutes. The next week extend it to ten minutes. Keep at this until you’ve worked up to 30 minutes. A three or four year-old will be able to sit and play without food for thirty minutes. They’ll wiggle, they’ll sigh, but don’t give in and don’t give up! It will be worth it!
If you have more than one child, have a separate bag for each child. Give only one toy at a time, and have each child on either side of you. Be consistent! If they talk, warn once, then remove the toy.
If they throw a fit, discipline in another room, but then bring them back in and complete the five minutes. This will be the same routine once you take them into the service at church. If they disobey, you must discipline, and it shouldn’t be just that you go out and play in the foyer – that’s what they want! Either discipline, then bring them back to the back row where you were wisely seated, or sit out there with your arms around them so they are not able to get down and play.
Make this training time at home something to look forward to – not a miserable drudgery. That can be accomplished by the activity you choose to put into the bag, but again – just a quiet toy – not treats or lots of toys. Make it biblical, if you can, so they’re also “hearing about God.”

Who knows? You might even glean some wonderful Truths during your at home Quiet Times! It won’t be long – just a couple of months until you’re able to sit in church and actually enjoy the service. You know what? Your child will enjoy it a whole lot more, too!

Any questions? Any other suggestions?

Lovingly,

children · Encouragement · Family life · home · Motherhood · Uncategorized

School, Seasons and Sad Momma’s

August 25, 2017August 25, 2017 RefreshHer7 Comments

I want to take just a minute to encourage moms today. From one who has been there, I realize that this time of year can be an emotional roller coaster for women who may feel they aren’t needed in their children’s lives quite like prior years. My only longing is to give a biblical perspective to guide a mom’s heart. So, here we go…

Late August can only mean one thing for children – school is back in session. For some of their momma’s, there is relief of no more slamming screen doors, frantic baseball schedules and camp-bound teens. They greet the fall and its changes with a happy sigh and open arms.

But for some moms, this school session brings sadness because they’re not just staring at lunch boxes and back packs; they’re staring at the changes it has brought. Perhaps…

One child has left home to head to their first year of college.
A daughter is in their last year of elementary school.
A son is in his last year of junior high.
All children are out of school and out of the home due to graduation and/or marriage.

The type of changes could go on and on, but the truth is, every year we live is going to be full of what we often stiff-arm – a change in the seasons of our life. Here’s a beautiful reminder in God’s Word in Ecclesiastes 3 about the seasons of our lives:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

God has given us a mother’s heart to love our children, to love parenting and nurturing them, so how are we to deal with an end or a change of those seasons? How can we find joy and a reason to move on when our role is different and we don’t feel quite as useful or needed as a mom?

Think on Truth. We are commanded in Philippians 4:8 to think on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy. Therefore, if I let myself constantly think about those early days of my child’s life, and how much I miss when my girls were toddlers on teenagers, all I have to do is look into their current photos to realize that that is not the truth for today. Today they are grown, married and moving on in God’s will.Thinking about the truth of today could remind us that our kids are maturing; they’re developing into people that can serve God. Are they doing what we raised them to do, to serve and love God? Wonderful! Praise His name! If they’re away from the Lord, we can remind ourselves of the Truth that the Word we poured into them will not return void. God loves them more than we do and is pursuing them. What comfort Truth gives!
Enjoy the memories of former days with a proper perspective. Isn’t God gracious to allow us the blessing of being able to remember those past seasons? It’s fun to flip through photos and recall the years now behind us. But while you’re recalling those times, be honest with yourself and remember that those days also brought some hardships.We home-schooled our girls almost completely through, meaning I was a home-schooling mom for twenty years. While I loved it and was thankful for the opportunity to pour into my girls’ lives, I remember days when I just wished I could go to Walmart alone! Some days I tired of dissecting earthworms and reading book reports. It’s easy to focus on the highlights and get discontented with here-and-now. Be real when you’re looking back.
Honor your children and God when you reflect. If this next description is you, I honestly mean no ill, but I ask you to consider the reality for a minute. What adult wants their mom to post pictures or comments about their child, desiring that they were “a little boy once again?” I’m sure none of us would have wanted our mother-in-law to post toddler pictures of our husband because that’s how she wished she could see him. What girl wants to be remembered today as only what she was many years ago? If we really want to honor our children and be respectful of them (and their spouse, if they’re married) we will remember those former days only in our heart, and not on social media. Being considerate of their maturity is one small way to honor who they are today.How can we honor God in the way we remember our past seasons? Don’t think that your best days of serving Him was when you had children at home, or when they were littler, or more needy of you. Do you have a mate? Are you pouring as much energy and time into him? Each year as your children need you less, transfer that energy to your husband. If you have a ministry at church, give it your all. Find a younger woman to mentor and be a blessing in her life by spending time in God’s Word, working on projects together, praying with/for her and helping her in this busy season of her life!

I’m really not trying to get hate mail, but I only desire to encourage women to live as God would have us. Today is a gift from His hand, meant for serving, enjoying and laying up treasures in heaven. Don’t regret what’s gone – reboot and move on! This is a new season, Mom! Thank the Lord for yesterday and ask Him for a new opportunity to get out of bed, then put a smile on your face and be happy today! That might just mean going grocery shopping…alone! =)

What has been the most difficult time in your role as a mom?

Refresh your “momma” heart,